My Buried Hatchet

There are so many reasons to love and admire and be proud of you. You are funny and talented and clever and smart and have a beautiful soul. I spent many hours over the past two years of my life envisioning our life together and I truly did want to spend the rest of my life with you. I turned down someone who loved me unconditionally time and time again because I told myself, "One day he'll trust me. I'll just need to wait a little bit longer. Then he'll love me without condition, too." But as time went on, I just realized more and more that it wasn't going to happen. I guess you just weren't ready to let me in...and that's okay. I know it's scary to be on the brink of the rest of your life and think that you are committing someone else to that life with you.

But now that we are over, I'm afraid you are giving me so many reasons to think differently of you. I know that my choices hurt you. I will never stop apologizing. I loved you so much and it tore me apart to know that I was losing you. But I grew weary of fighting a losing battle. And you think that you lost me, but I feel like I had been losing you. That's what hurt me the most. You decided you couldn't do it anymore, that maybe it was just easier to cut your losses and run. And that's fine, too. But I am so hurt by your ability to cut them so thoroughly. We always promised each other that no matter what happened when we broke up, we would stay friends. You broke your promise.

You're angry. You have every right to be...but you need to understand some things. I loved you. I held myself back from so many things for you. And that is not a "Oh, woe is me. Look what you made me do." No. That is me telling you how badly I wanted to be with you that I was willing to do those things. I trudged through two years of distrust and jealousy and hurtfulness and you keeping me at arm's length in order to protect yourself while I was laying out there, open and vulnerable. When things got bad, I tried. I talked to you when I thought that would help. I kept my mouth shut when I thought that would be better. I gave you space. I spent time with you. I just quite frankly didn't know what you wanted anymore. And then it dawned on me one day: you were simply not ready for me. And you were pushing me away as fast as you could.

I know that I did not make good decisions since then and that by doing so I hurt you worse...and for that I will never be able to fully express my regret. But you are also unaware of my pain. My days of crying for ten hours. My dwelling on the loss of what I thought was my future with you. My best friend in the whole world being ripped from my life. And I don't want pity...not in the least. I just want you to know that this was not an easy decision for me. We once had a conversation about how the way you really know you love someone is if you still want to be with them but you know it's not working so you have to let them go be happy somewhere else. And that a selfish person would try to keep them for their own sake. So that's how much I loved you...I let you make the decision. And you decided to walk away.

I'm sorry that I had to move forward, but I honestly ask you, what did you leave me with beside? Some days I wake up and wonder, "How did we get here?" And I still don't think I have the answer. But I know I would do anything to go back. So this is my buried hatchet. My apology. My final tears. Because you obviously have made your decision. It is now out of my hands. There will be no more tearful calls. There will be no more burdening you with my presence. I will attempt to understand your decision. I will continue to wish you well and, for what it's worth, I have never been so proud of you.

And because every time I have to say it to you it turns the knife a little deeper into my healing wounds...this is my final goodbye.