Everyday A New Day...

There are days when I wake up and I say to myself, "I feel strong today. I can be happy today." Those days are the ones where I feel like maybe I will be able to one day move past all the bullshit that has happened. I can forgive myself. I can forgive others. I can grow past the negativity.

Then there are days when I cannot keep myself from dwelling upon people that were once so important to me being absent from my life. These are the days that make me feel like maybe I made the wrong decisions. Maybe I am the reason things always go so wrong. Maybe my heart will continue to feel empty until the day it stops beating.

I get so caught up and carried away with caring so much about someone and then I fall harder and faster each time it comes crashing down. I just worry that maybe my faith is wearing thin. I worry that I can't keep on loving the way I have if all it ever ends in is heartache. I worry that I will never stop missing everything I've lost. And that fear is what makes the days hard to bear.

The days when I can put my feelings of loss in the back of my mind are beginning to come more often than not, but the days when I feel every stinging moment of pain have yet to cease all together. I'm not sure that they ever will.

Lost,

"The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned."
--William Somerset Maugham

Lies & Resolutions

I will stop feeling guilty for finding happiness.

I will forgive myself for my past and stop letting people tell me I don't deserve to be forgiven.

I will accept love and be able to give it in return.

I will stop dwelling on the people in my life that don't know if they want me but know that they don't want anyone else to have me.

I will find trust and cherish it.

I will keep my true friends closer than I ever thought I could...and let them know how thankful I am that they love me for me.

I will start to love the possibilities of the future instead of dwelling on the shortcomings of the past.

I will not let someone else's inability to grow up affect who I am anymore.

And whether these are simply lies to myself or resolutions that I am able to keep....

...this year, I will finally let myself be happy.

Resolving to be resolved,