Out of Chaos Comes Clarity

Last night I got into one of those situations that remind you of watching a horrific car crash: you see it happening but can't stop it and then BAM! Complete carnage. In my experience two types of conversations are the main culprits: politics and religion. A newly acquired friend brought up religion in an otherwise friendly conversation. In my metaphorical attempt to warn the driver I said, "Let's not go down this road. It's a slippery slope." Against my warning advice, this friend said, "No! I love debating religion." Cue screeching brakes and shattered glass.

I silently resolved myself to offer zero fuel for this conversation and keep my personal views to myself. It wasn't worth the argument, the possible hard feelings, or the uncomfortable air that clouds these types of situations. But, being who I am, as he rattled off historically inaccurate facts about God, Christianity, and, most significantly, the Bible, I felt my blood begin to boil. I could not control the overwhelming desire to point out each inaccuracy; to refute all the facts that his personal beliefs were apparently based upon. So I tried to explain.

I kept my personal beliefs (almost) entirely out of it, hoping that stating simple fact would keep this conversation less hostile. But, alas, ignorance and alcohol kept the very real facts from sinking in. I attempted to point out the errors in his defense, all the while respecting his point of view, hoping to simply enlighten him or encourage him to find out more about what he bases his beliefs upon. However, he then pulled out, "Well I've studied this stuff. And I mean, more than you do in high school. So I think I know what I'm talking about." Well, sir, if that is an attempt to say I know less than you, I hate to argue that you, in fact, do NOT know what you're talking about.

So finally I resigned to end the conversation because I knew that nothing I was saying would change or even make him question what he believed. As we left his apartment, he gives me a hug and says, "And, listen. Don't worry about the argument." Excuse me? I shouldn't worry about the argument? Trust me, I wasn't, my friend. So then as I was driving home I couldn't help but consider what he meant. Was he trying to say I should feel ashamed for engaging in the conversation he insisted upon having? Was he blaming me for the obvious ackwardness that affected everyone during our conversation? Or was he meaning that I should have never voiced what I know? Was I to be blamed for having the conviction to not allow someone to ignorantly argue points that they clearly know nothing about?

The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. Then I had this shining moment of clarity: my entire life I have landed myself in the doghouse for standing up for myself, my friends, and what I believe in. I never understood why. I always thought, maybe I should just be passive like everyone else I know. They seem to have the "don't rock the boat" outlook on life. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it, even after disappointing results for upward of 20 years of my life. Then, late last night, I had an epiphany. For the rest of my life, I would rather have the integrity to stand up for what I believe than idly stand by and let other people run all over me. At the end of the day other people don't because they don't have the courage to stand up for anything. I am the only person who will ever be accountable for my actions in this life and I will never allow the perceptions of others alter who I am or what I believe. I may die being wrong about a lot of things. I may die with people thinking all sorts of things about me. But at least I will die with my integrity.

And quite honestly, I'm okay with that. So I will happily keep my permanent bed in the doghouse. I will never stand by and let people think that they have power over my beliefs. I will never stop being me.

So the car crash happened. But at the end of it, I walked away unscathed. Take that unacceptable social topic. Take that.

With my integrity in tact,

Show Me What I'm Looking For

Carolina Liar

Damn you, Carolina Liar, for exposing my weakness for melodic riffs, a smooth-voiced lead singer, and layered background vocals. Not to mention the band's song, "Show Me What I'm Looking For" describes to a T the way it feels to be a 20-something with little direction. I'll forgive them for selling their hit to several chick-flick type movie trailers. Hell, little known band + national exposure = The Big Time. Who wouldn't agree to let them use their song?

But seriously, listen to the vocals. Listen to the lyrics. Fall in love.

You will at least secretly say to yourself, "Damn. I am lost. Save me from being confused and just show me what I'm looking for." Because I certainly did.

Perpetually lost,

Yah, I'm emo. Get over it.

So my boyfriend always makes fun of me for being "emo". (See: emo) Yah, so what? For as long as I can remember I've loved people who can express the occasional overwhelming emotion that threatens to choke out the ability to function normally. What's so wrong about loving the lyrical beauty of these tunes? So, in tribute to the music I love so much, here are a few emo songs by a few obscure bands to make you shed a tear...

1. "A Coming of Age Story" by Dropout Year Listen here

2. "Fuck Was I" by Jenny Owens Youngs Listen here

3. "All Over You" by The Spill Canvas Listen here

4. "Riding the Brakes" by Awake and Dreaming Listen here

5. "Transaction Attraction" by The Fallout Theory Listen here

6. "Beauty in the Breakdown" by The Scene Aesthetic Listen here

7. "The Alamo is No Place for Dancing" by The Scene Aesthetic Listen here

8. "Hands Down" by Dashboard Confessional Listen here

9. "This Photograph is Proof" by Taking Back Sunday Listen here

10. "You're So Last Summer" by Taking Back Sunday Listen here

11. "The Best of Me" by The Starting Line Listen here

12. "Until the Day I Die" by Story of the Year Listen here

13. "Discovering the Waterfront" by Silverstein Listen here

14. "The Words 'Best Friend' Become Redefined" by Chiodos Listen here

15. "Family Tradition" by Senses Fail Listen here

Enjoy!

Emo and proud,

Friendship Unparalleled

Right to left: Brittni, Sam, & Karry

Quote of the night: "No wonder people hated us in high school."

If you want to know the definition of friendship, please reference the above photo. Those three girls are the three best friends I have ever had. This fact is evidenced by what resulted from the simple idea of, "Hey! I have a great idea. Let's each get all the photos and videos we've collected over the past ten years and have a wine and picture party!" Above you will find my three best friends amidst a sea of proms, birthday parties, graduations, drunken debauchery, middle school dances, sleepovers, the occasional class, school lunches, homecomings, sports events, college experiences, first loves, first heartbreaks, friendships that have come and gone, and all the random in-between moments that we called life over the last ten years.

So we spent the night looking back at all the memories we've made together (and maybe enjoyed a glass of wine or two) and reminisced about what events brought us from strangers at age 11 to the best of friends at age 22. The kinds of events that define you as a person. The kinds of events that you only get to experience once...ever. The kinds of events that you want to share with people that mean the most to you. Those moments are what make up my life story. I cherish them with every bit of my heart. Life will never be as simple as when all we had to do was be together and make them.

Sure, there are memories I'm sure we'd like to forget. Fights and broken friendships and all the drama that comes with being an adolescent girl. But, speaking for myself, I wouldn't change one bit of it. Because we came out hand-in-hand, better friends than we ever could have imagined, and I am fortunate enough to still call these girls my best friends ten years later. Most importantly, I know I'll be calling them my best friends for the rest of my life. They are as much a part of me as any appendage on my body. If I lose one of them, I feel like half a person. They make up my heart, my soul, the very fiber of my being. And I am grateful to God that he has blessed my life with three of the strongest, most amazing women I've ever met.

So, to my dear, dear friends, thank you. Thank you for being you. And for letting me call you my friends. It may have been a long and arduous road, but here we stand. And if I have nothing else in this world, I have you.

XOXO,

Traveling is exhausting...

My babe asleep on the plane back from Arizona. And I agree...traveling wears you out. ESPECIALLY when you are jet-lagged!

Back in the eastern time zone,

twit-ter: n. see: goodbye semblance of human contact

So, I have bitterly avoided twitter in an attempt to save my sanity. I did the same thing with facebook and myspace years ago; as if it was some moral standing to not be "in". But, sadly, I have given in. Some might call me a late adopter (a term, if you recall, you learned in Marketing 101), but mostly I just feel like I've said my final goodbye to actual human interaction. I already have my Palm eternally attached to my hands, furiously texting my boyfriend, my mom, my sister, my girlfriends, my boss, my coworkers, my boyfriend's friends...okay suffice it to say everyone in my contact list. My facebook addiction has foiled many an attempt to study and caused me to happily classify myself as a top-notch stalker. (Ex: "Omg, did you see xxxxx's facebook? She definitely got a boob job.") Myspace (although it has gone the way of the horse and buggy for most) was my original addiction and still holds a place in my heart as a fond memory of 40-year-old strangers friending me. Ahh, myspace.

All of this electronic communication makes people wonder if we're losing touch with each other at an ever-increasing rate. Society worries that we will become these hermits holed up in our homes behind a computer with a week-old pizza box and still sporting Saturday's underwear. But if pressured, I think I would have to go on the defense for hi-tech connections. My three best girlfriends who live in different cities rarely find time in their busy schedules for a thirty minute phone call. But being able to send them a text that says, "Miss you! xoxo" or "I saw a midget walking down the street" during the day keeps me feeling connected. Sending my sister lyrics to a 90s favorite during her workday means we'll have something to laugh about later. Being able to look at pictures of my girlfriend's new puppy gives me an excuse to call her up. And, of course, sending my boyfriend upwards of 75 texts a day about the random in-and-outs of our lives makes us miss each other a little less.

There is still the worry that maybe I don't call as often as I should, but that is an individual struggle and if you really care, you'll make the time. As for twitter, maybe I'll learn to love monitoring the blow-by-blow of my closest friends. However, I'll still leave the celebs' twitters to Perez Hilton, thanks.

A newbie tweeter,

Follow me on twitter: whitney_lea_

You Are My Confidence

So much is changing in this life of mine that sometimes it leaves me reeling with uncertainty. I feel like sometimes all I'm doing is struggling to stay afloat. Quite frankly, it makes me wonder how anyone is able to survive on their own. I guess I just never thought it would be this hard; that, somehow, everybody makes it. But I do think the next step for me is leaving this town. I think that it's simply time for me to move on. There's nothing really left for me here and it's a welcomed change actually. I can be closer to my family and my true friends. I can start my life with someone I love very much, far away from all the people who have caused us so much heartache.

For the first time in my life, I don't have a plan. I can't say exactly what I'll be doing in two months. So much is riding on what "might" happen and so little on what is certain. I'm scared of making a move and then failing. But at the same time, where can I go but up? This job is a jumping off point. This town is now part of my past. It's time. Anything is better than reliving these moments day in and day out. I'm ready to make new ones. I'm ready to start my life. I'm ready to DO something. Anything.

As of now, I don't know where I'm going to live or where I'm going to work. I don't know if a job for him will come up somewhere else and we'll have to uproot our lives all over again. I don't know if we'll be able to afford living off my job while he gets his MBA. But whether I drown or stay afloat, I can say that the one comfort I have is that I'll be doing it with him by my side. I have never been more certain about anything in my life. I feel like he is the one thing I can count on in this sea of doubt and confusion. And for that, I am most grateful.

I can only guess what people must think of us...and honestly I don't care. Because I think the universe was doing everything in its power to bring us together. We were hurtling through our lives and God could only foresee us ending up together by one way. I hate that it hurt people, but I am so happy it happened. He has brought out a joy in me that I've never felt. He's made me a better person. I hope that everyone finds someone that makes them this happy.

XOXO,

Guilty Pleasure

Okay, so I am sort of loving this new Pink song, "Please Don't Leave Me"


Eternally embarrassed by my taste,

My Buried Hatchet

There are so many reasons to love and admire and be proud of you. You are funny and talented and clever and smart and have a beautiful soul. I spent many hours over the past two years of my life envisioning our life together and I truly did want to spend the rest of my life with you. I turned down someone who loved me unconditionally time and time again because I told myself, "One day he'll trust me. I'll just need to wait a little bit longer. Then he'll love me without condition, too." But as time went on, I just realized more and more that it wasn't going to happen. I guess you just weren't ready to let me in...and that's okay. I know it's scary to be on the brink of the rest of your life and think that you are committing someone else to that life with you.

But now that we are over, I'm afraid you are giving me so many reasons to think differently of you. I know that my choices hurt you. I will never stop apologizing. I loved you so much and it tore me apart to know that I was losing you. But I grew weary of fighting a losing battle. And you think that you lost me, but I feel like I had been losing you. That's what hurt me the most. You decided you couldn't do it anymore, that maybe it was just easier to cut your losses and run. And that's fine, too. But I am so hurt by your ability to cut them so thoroughly. We always promised each other that no matter what happened when we broke up, we would stay friends. You broke your promise.

You're angry. You have every right to be...but you need to understand some things. I loved you. I held myself back from so many things for you. And that is not a "Oh, woe is me. Look what you made me do." No. That is me telling you how badly I wanted to be with you that I was willing to do those things. I trudged through two years of distrust and jealousy and hurtfulness and you keeping me at arm's length in order to protect yourself while I was laying out there, open and vulnerable. When things got bad, I tried. I talked to you when I thought that would help. I kept my mouth shut when I thought that would be better. I gave you space. I spent time with you. I just quite frankly didn't know what you wanted anymore. And then it dawned on me one day: you were simply not ready for me. And you were pushing me away as fast as you could.

I know that I did not make good decisions since then and that by doing so I hurt you worse...and for that I will never be able to fully express my regret. But you are also unaware of my pain. My days of crying for ten hours. My dwelling on the loss of what I thought was my future with you. My best friend in the whole world being ripped from my life. And I don't want pity...not in the least. I just want you to know that this was not an easy decision for me. We once had a conversation about how the way you really know you love someone is if you still want to be with them but you know it's not working so you have to let them go be happy somewhere else. And that a selfish person would try to keep them for their own sake. So that's how much I loved you...I let you make the decision. And you decided to walk away.

I'm sorry that I had to move forward, but I honestly ask you, what did you leave me with beside? Some days I wake up and wonder, "How did we get here?" And I still don't think I have the answer. But I know I would do anything to go back. So this is my buried hatchet. My apology. My final tears. Because you obviously have made your decision. It is now out of my hands. There will be no more tearful calls. There will be no more burdening you with my presence. I will attempt to understand your decision. I will continue to wish you well and, for what it's worth, I have never been so proud of you.

And because every time I have to say it to you it turns the knife a little deeper into my healing wounds...this is my final goodbye.

Everyday A New Day...

There are days when I wake up and I say to myself, "I feel strong today. I can be happy today." Those days are the ones where I feel like maybe I will be able to one day move past all the bullshit that has happened. I can forgive myself. I can forgive others. I can grow past the negativity.

Then there are days when I cannot keep myself from dwelling upon people that were once so important to me being absent from my life. These are the days that make me feel like maybe I made the wrong decisions. Maybe I am the reason things always go so wrong. Maybe my heart will continue to feel empty until the day it stops beating.

I get so caught up and carried away with caring so much about someone and then I fall harder and faster each time it comes crashing down. I just worry that maybe my faith is wearing thin. I worry that I can't keep on loving the way I have if all it ever ends in is heartache. I worry that I will never stop missing everything I've lost. And that fear is what makes the days hard to bear.

The days when I can put my feelings of loss in the back of my mind are beginning to come more often than not, but the days when I feel every stinging moment of pain have yet to cease all together. I'm not sure that they ever will.

Lost,

"The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned."
--William Somerset Maugham

Lies & Resolutions

I will stop feeling guilty for finding happiness.

I will forgive myself for my past and stop letting people tell me I don't deserve to be forgiven.

I will accept love and be able to give it in return.

I will stop dwelling on the people in my life that don't know if they want me but know that they don't want anyone else to have me.

I will find trust and cherish it.

I will keep my true friends closer than I ever thought I could...and let them know how thankful I am that they love me for me.

I will start to love the possibilities of the future instead of dwelling on the shortcomings of the past.

I will not let someone else's inability to grow up affect who I am anymore.

And whether these are simply lies to myself or resolutions that I am able to keep....

...this year, I will finally let myself be happy.

Resolving to be resolved,