Happiness Sold Separately

Today marks another inconsequential day off my calendar. Other than reflecting on my life and watching (against my will) the new Fantastic Four movie, I once again managed to accomplish nothing. The movie was simply boring...not disappointing. Something for which you have no expectations really doesn't have the ability to disappoint. Therefore it was more like something to occupy an hour-and-a-half of my day. I fully intended to buy a Father's Day gift, but my father is the most difficult person to buy for so I didn't begin that venture for lack of ideas. The man has everything he could want or need...so what do I do? Buy him something I know he'll never use? It's really not worth it. Besides, he knows I love him already. Haha.

So I suppose there is of course the current dilemma of my life to talk about. I am insanely in love with my boyfriend, B. We've been dating for about six months and things have gone really smoothly. He, however, caught me at the very end of a really nasty breakup with my high school sweetheart, J. We had dated for five years and the breakup left us both broken and bitter. We didn't even have any contact for three whole months after we broke it off. Then we started to be "friends", which of course made B really uneasy, and understandably so. At first, we were truly happy for one another. We had grown individually, both were happy personally, and so far past all the shit that we had gone through that it hardly seemed to matter.

Then of course, he ended up dropping the bomb on me: he was still in love. He wanted another go at it, but only if B was out of the picture. What the hell am I supposed to do? I wanted to be honest with B and tell him about my confusion. That only launched us into a kind of limbo that has been excrutiating for the both of us. We're "not together" but we spend everyday together. He freaks out if I talk to or see J. I'm dying. I don't want to break anyone's heart, especially not my own, and yet all I can foresee is me at the end of this, alone. I am going to keep the three of us at this standstill caused by my indecision and fear until they both decide I'm simply not worth it. It's sort of my specialty: waiting for people to realize what I already know.

I want to be happy. I really do (or so I tell myself). It just seems that the closer I come to true happiness, the farther away I end up. It's like that saying: the higher you are, the harder you fall. And I seem to be perpetually falling. Can't there just be some manual you get when you're born that tells you who to be and what to do with your life? Free will is simply overrated.

Oh, to make it out alive.