Blogger On the Go

Mobile blogger is an interesting addition to my blog... Now i can post wherever i am, whenever i want! Too bad my phone is from the stone ages and i don't have a camera. In fact, i have nextel (unfortunately) so texting period is quite a challenge. Awesome. But i make do :-) so yesterday i played the new mario party for the wii at my friend's apartment. It was pretty frickin' sweet! Despite my natural lack of hand-eye coordination and my terrible loss, i had a lot of fun. I told my friends there was a reason i ran in high school instead of playing a sport that required any skill! Haha. Wii is honestly such an amazingly innovative and clever system. I'm not much for electronics, video games, or an "early adopter", but i really admire the wii simply for its cleverness. It's a system for hardcore video gamers that actually requires the player to get up off the couch and move. Plus, i've heard many of my friends say that their parents actually enjoy playing wii games just as much as we do! In a country where obesity has overtaken the majority of the population and the television is more enticing than the gym, i think it's awesome to create an interactive game. I suppose that's also why i admire dance dance revolution. I think these two innovations in gaming are just the beginning of interactive video games (or at least I hope so).

Color Me As I Am

Happiness Sold Separately

Today marks another inconsequential day off my calendar. Other than reflecting on my life and watching (against my will) the new Fantastic Four movie, I once again managed to accomplish nothing. The movie was simply boring...not disappointing. Something for which you have no expectations really doesn't have the ability to disappoint. Therefore it was more like something to occupy an hour-and-a-half of my day. I fully intended to buy a Father's Day gift, but my father is the most difficult person to buy for so I didn't begin that venture for lack of ideas. The man has everything he could want or need...so what do I do? Buy him something I know he'll never use? It's really not worth it. Besides, he knows I love him already. Haha.

So I suppose there is of course the current dilemma of my life to talk about. I am insanely in love with my boyfriend, B. We've been dating for about six months and things have gone really smoothly. He, however, caught me at the very end of a really nasty breakup with my high school sweetheart, J. We had dated for five years and the breakup left us both broken and bitter. We didn't even have any contact for three whole months after we broke it off. Then we started to be "friends", which of course made B really uneasy, and understandably so. At first, we were truly happy for one another. We had grown individually, both were happy personally, and so far past all the shit that we had gone through that it hardly seemed to matter.

Then of course, he ended up dropping the bomb on me: he was still in love. He wanted another go at it, but only if B was out of the picture. What the hell am I supposed to do? I wanted to be honest with B and tell him about my confusion. That only launched us into a kind of limbo that has been excrutiating for the both of us. We're "not together" but we spend everyday together. He freaks out if I talk to or see J. I'm dying. I don't want to break anyone's heart, especially not my own, and yet all I can foresee is me at the end of this, alone. I am going to keep the three of us at this standstill caused by my indecision and fear until they both decide I'm simply not worth it. It's sort of my specialty: waiting for people to realize what I already know.

I want to be happy. I really do (or so I tell myself). It just seems that the closer I come to true happiness, the farther away I end up. It's like that saying: the higher you are, the harder you fall. And I seem to be perpetually falling. Can't there just be some manual you get when you're born that tells you who to be and what to do with your life? Free will is simply overrated.

Oh, to make it out alive.

Summer Just Isn't My Season

The free time summer break grants is much like a double-edged sword. Although it provides a bit of a break from the stresses of classes and crazy schedules, it also allows time to realize exactly where one sits along the path of life. It seems that when I think of how I began this journey and then where I am currently, I cannot help but to feel a bit like "What the hell?" I am no closer to knowing who the hell I am, where the hell I'm going, who the hell will be there when I get there, or why the hell I want to be there in the first place. For example, today I accomplished precisely nothing. (If of course, you don't count beginning a new blog in which to rant about my inability to be productive.)

Friday, June 15, 2007

1. Slept until 4pm.

2. Took a shower.

3. Took my trash out.

4. Drove an hour to my hometown.

5. Spent six hours on the computer.

That is exactly what I accomplished today. And the previous days of this week were of equal or lesser value. I am so frighteningly close to completing my bachelor's that I refused to take summer classes, but, in my defense, I have applied to around a million and one jobs with absolutely no response. That certainly upped my feelings of self-worth. Haha. So back to my initial point: I feel absolutely unproductive. Absolutely out of my element...or at least what used to be my element. I am possibly even more confused about life now than I've ever been before. And at almost the ripe old age of twenty-one, that is a terrifying thought. I am wandering in the world without direction. Hopefully somebody is familiar with this terrain. Hopefully I can cheat and find my way to somewhere.

Oh, to make it out alive.